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TMI

I’ts been awhile- I told you I suck at this consistency thing. I’ve been struggling, therefor, focusing on that and all the bad things associated. Why? It’s just causing the devil to get more and more control. I don’t want that! The guilt and shame I feel is so overwhelming, but God’s love and grace is so much more- I just need to accept it.

My OCD has gotten so bad- some of it I’ve used to my advantage (Hello timers and mile long to- do lists!) but another ritual is when I cut veggies/fruits, I’m not “allowed” to breath until it’s chopped.

Well, today I sliced my finger! I’m not good with blood and started to feel very faint at the sheer amount of blood. ahhh! It makes me weak just thinking about it.

____________________________________________________________________________________________**TMI**

So I haven’t had my period in ~5 years, and only had it like 2 times in my life. They put me on birth control to 1) help me gain weight [not working] and 2) to protect my bones. Anyway, I’m too embarrassed to buy tampons. I’m a 23 year old woman and too embarrassed to buy tampons.

Lord, help me.

The Lord is a provider- of truth, love, grace, forgiveness and mercy. Our brains can’t begin to comprehend him. So we gotta stop trying and just… let him hold us.

Love

As I said earlier, when I struggle, I seem to pull away from the people I love the most, and the people that love me the most.

There’s 2 reasons
1. I don’t want to hurt them
2. I don’t want them to stop me

The relationship I need the most is what I unconsciously pull away from the most- that is God. When I struggle, I know I am not doing what God wants me to do, yet I either don’t want to stop, or I can’t stop. And, logically, I know he loves me. I know that. But I can’t comprehend how. And that’s what got me thinking- can anyone comprehend him? No! He’s such a huge, vast, loving God. I mean he made the stars and galaxy. He made the seas, the grains of sand. We can’t fathom one of those- and he made the ALL. He made each individual unique. Every single job, even the lowest of lows, is important. The next time I begin to judge a port-a-potty cleaner, I will think about what the world would be like without!! EW!

I guess what I’m getting at, is that his love is the mightiest thing & that is most definitely not comprehend-able. So when I don’t feel like he could possibly love me, I’ll also remember that I can’t count all the stars in the sky, or the grains of sand, or the animals on the earth. The only thing I [think] I understand at that moment, is how unlovable I am. And if I know nothing but that, that means I know nothing else, and that’s not true.

So thank you God, for your love, grace and mercy.

hi

I’ve been hesitant to post. I put so much pressure on myself to be ‘good’ at recovery. To inspire, to be strong. And I perceive other people have that same expectation of me.

I don’t want people to think God is not good, as he is my identity, and he ‘lets’ me struggle. It’s not him, it’s the demons. I did so well for 359 days. And now I’ve slipped. I desperately want to get out, but I also secretly love it. Well, love is the wrong word. But it gives me a high. It’s like taking ecstasy, it’s amazing while you’re on it. Heck, you want more and more, and then you crash. You are embarrassed of what you may have done, what you looked like. Ashamed of the damage you may have caused. You never want to feel that way again. So why do you keep doing it? It’s fun? It lets YOU not have to worry or think about it? It gives the hurt and anger to others? Selfish selfish selfish. That’s all I feel.

So many great people God has blessed me with. And those friends that know? They’re who I turn from. Those that love me and care for me, I turn from you. And I’m sorry. It’s me trying to protect you from me. My lashing out, my bitterness and lust to something so petty.

Worst of all, I drift from God. The only one that can save me. I pray for forgiveness, love and mercy. And he gives it to me. But they feel false. I plead for help, and for him to give me strength, and he does. But see, I am asking this with no plan of changing. No desire. Well, scratch that. I have a huge desire to stop. I guess my flesh keeps beating my spirit. And that’s me hurting God. It hurts him in so many ways- yet he still wants me. He still loves me. And I know I don’t deserve that. But when I’m actively lying, make commitments and not stick with them, etc., I hate myself for hurting him. I want to obey God, but when I seemingly choose not to, I pull away. I don’t want God to be a part of my nastiness.

I want my nastiness to touch no one. I really want my nastiness gone, but at the very least, I want it contained. And sealed.

**Please remember this is my blog. These are my feelings and thoughts.

I’m not usually a “snappy” person. I’m actually quite the opposite, many times letting people walk all over me. As with everything in life, a good balance is needed- but not what I have. (Maybe that’s how I’ll make some money, make a school where they solely teach balance.) Anyways, this guy I used to “talk to” keeps bugging me. In a NOT cool, very creeperish way. Over 380 texts- I counted and sent them to my email. Well, it’s been months, and I was trying so hard to be nice, to not hurt him. But, I straight up snapped. I wasted all my effort of being kind and Christ like. Of course, God says to always be honest, but they’res also a huge difference between honesty and transparency. I define transparency as way more severe than blunt.  Continue reading

Sliced Open

5 years ago today, my innocence was stolen.

I was broken, shattered, actually. I spent years trying to glue the pieces back together. No matter what I did, something wasn’t right. A shard missing here, an imperfection there. I filled it with men, alcohol, binge eating, cutting, burning, purging, starving. Even good things, working, running, being the kindest person anyone knew. They made me feel good. Each of them worked, but none made me complete.

I went through all of those and more, some of which nearly killed me. I asked God why? I told him how wrong he was and that I didn’t deserve this. He was silent to my ears. I begged him to let me die. If he loved me at all, to let me die. To take me away.

I was broken, shattered, and there was no one or nothing left to put me back together that I didn’t already slice open.

I wish I could tell you there was some surreal, moving, shocking moment where I surrendered my will to God, but there wasn’t. I just remember one day that I didn’t wake up and pray to die. I started to pray that I could do this. What, I wasn’t and still aren’t sure of.

I always grumbled and complained that the Bible is something that I just cannot understand. And that was true! Very true. So I started reading a little devotional called “God Girl”.

Now? I have a purpose. God now fills my every desire. He’s all I need. Even when I don’t understand, I know he’s got my back. Even when bad things happen, I know he still loves us. All of us. Sometimes we just need a wake up call. We need to be broken a little, so we can be super-glued by the creator.

I NEVER would have thanked God for all of this at the time, and I still don’t, but I thank him for getting me through it. For making me who I am today. Yes I still have (a lot) of problems, and I know bad things will happen, but in those times, I will remember God’s faithfulness to me, and to put my faith into him.

 

 

Krispy Kreme

What? A doughnut?

No, no, no. A Krispy Kreme is a man that’s hot and holy. Attractive and a God lover. It’s a term my great friend, Hannah. She’s also led me to Christ and a huge reason I now live for God. I always joke around with the term, or use it for friends, but guys.. I found 2 today! It’s like I’m having my first bite of the most delicious, freshly baked and glazed doughnut. They were both attractive before I even knew they were children of God, and then I found out they were and BOOM! I’ve never had interest or “eyes on” anyone whom I consider a Krispy Kreme. Now I’m not saying I want a relationship at all, but let a girl gush a little.

**chirp chirp** There’s my phone

Flash back to a night mare

It’s comes to a point where you don’t want to. Well you want to, but you don’t. It’s unable to be explained.
You’re so starving- Think about the hungriest you’ve ever been. Times that by 1000. You get up- take a lick of toothpaste, fooling yourself that’s enough fuel. You zombie downstairs, reach for a mug. It’s too heavy, you drop it. You reach for another and pour your coffee with two hands. You pour 7 sweeteners in- because that’s your favorite number- and the amount it takes to make it taste. After a pot and a half, you suck in your tummy and there’s a noticeable, quarter size bump with your pulse in it- yes, you’re full. Some days, you count the seconds down until your mom leaves so you can jump in your car. You don’t forget to wear extra layers though, my bones chilled. And I need to cover them up, I say to keep me warm, but it’s to hide myself from grocery shoppers. I think that if they can’t see my skeleton, they won’t know what I’m doing.

 You’re driving like a mad woman, starving with low blood sugar. Finally at the store, you get a cart and wipe it down, then head over to the produce section. Your eyes are incredibly wide, an orgasm erupting from your salivary glands. Wait- you must remain in control. Don’t throw everything in the cart. Put the grapes down, and snack on them, except when you’re alone, you gobble them down. 

You’re on a budget and a tight routine. Buy the cheapest thing- look at price per pound. Even if you don’t like it. It’s a game and I will win. After spending a long time in the store, and after consuming the whole bag of grapes, you realize people are staring at you. 

You are paranoid and swear they’re going to follow you from store to store, but they are just looking at how emaciated you look, even under all your clothes.

Finally, you’re past check out. You raid the condiment section for sweeteners, ketchup and mustard and mayo.

Finally…

Your brain is at ease. It knows it will soon get food. Calories. Energy.

After the first bite, your brain starts to awaken. All the emotions, or crap you tell yourself, begin to pop up. But who cares? You’re finally getting food; sweet, glorious food! You focus on nothing else. Take a bite, chew it seven times. Tear a ketchup packet, 7 times. Everything by seven. Most see binging as disorganized. You would be wrong. Everything is meticulous. The penny spent, the sugar packet ripped, the spoon and bowl- your favorite. 

You aren’t allowed to binge at home- someone may see. What if they see a light on? Of course! They’ll think I’m binging. What if they pop over? What if I leave a crumb for my mom to see? So out in the wilderness I go. Blazing hot, I’ll find somewhere to make a private picnic. Freezing cold, I spend mass amounts of money on keeping my heater on.

I have a few stores I go to, in rotation. I pretend they don’t know what I’m doing, or I pretend to act like I never see them. I pretend to talk to my friend/boyfriend/etc about a party we’re throwing and how much food we’ll need. Ha, a party everyday- for myself, at least

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Wow, I’m so glad that’s not where I am any longer. Thank you God.